life

is a funny thing. 3 years ago i had DJ. well 3 years and one month and 20 days ago. i had a normal pregnacy, normal birth and an angelic child. but little did i know then that he truely was an angel. tonight i sit here with two baby chickens in the bath, two less then this time last week thanks to one being killed by a neighbours dog as it escaped its play pen and one who is under a lamp as i think she got cold 'cus i bought them in late. we'll see. the one under the lamp is tilli. she's been the most "hand reared" of the lot. she spent close to 4hours in my shirt and is the most friendly. hopefully she'll be ok. i know capser is sitting on some eggs. but again we'll see. Tomorrow is my birthday. ohh joy. ohh rapture. can i forget about it? had a party over the weekend. which was nice. but as for the day in question i could honestly care less. my birthday has often been forgotten or ignored or both. In highschool they used to decorate lockers. mine got decorated twice. the second time some one ripped it down. guess i wasnt worthy of it. but meh. who cares right? im married with two kids. i fear my ill luck with birthdays will pass onto them. something i dont want. but we'll see. i know what im getting. i baught it for myself. i got chocolates off a bloke down the road and a "tri-sara-tops" off another neighbour and a battery operated screw thingy off another. which is handy. so i'm lucky. i just dont feel it to a point. i dont have a close friend up here to have around for dinner as DH works night. i dont have that some one who i can natter on about things to and trust 100%. and it sucks. i cant blame any one but me for it. but i still do. the fear of going to a play group is massive. they have special needs ones but thats besides the point. dealing with DJ haveing a fit while terror runs amuck? trying to explain to other kids whats happening while getting that look of "why is this happening in public?" from others. (yes i have had that when DJ's had a fit in the street) to smile and nod while my soul runs and hides. again i dont have any one to blame but me. then we have the issue of me being clucky. seeing all thease beautiful bumps around at the moment. all thease new borns (i swear i see it more when i think about it) but i uern for another baby. i cant help it. seeing what DJ's going though. knowing what terror went though. my heart brakes. but my soul wants another. why? because im crazy. maybe once DJs in kindy or vic. or both. i just want another one. maybe in part to make up for the fact i never got the take home baby, not one thats been in hospital for a week or two. (short stay compaired to others, but still) now im going to drink my coffee and eat my chocolate...its by birthday and i'll do it if i want to!